Trick or Treat

The season is upon us. In just over a week my door step will be flooded with small children who expect me to just hand them candy, not just any candy, they want GOOD candy. I have had children leave my house empty handed when all I had left was tootsie rolls, that's name brand stuff there ladies and gentlemen, but not good enough for them. I wanted to pelt them in the back of the head with the tootsie rolls as they walked away dissing my less than appealing pot of gold! I pity the fool this year that tries to put his hand in my candy bowl without first asking. Momma ain't having that little ones, you better come correct.

Growing up, my family liked Halloween, at least as far as I can remember. My parents both dressed up as Count Dracula and Mrs. Dracula. My dad played his favorite cassette tape of scary Halloween sounds on our boombox and threw what I think was a ghost or skeleton out the window at kids, just for kicks. My dad doesn't even drink, but I think we all have to find our own way as adults of making it fun for us too, or we all go crazy. Honestly, I may start throwing stuff out my window on Halloween, just to spice things up a bit. I'm sure the it would be the talk of the street. I remember the house with the lady that always handed out plastic gloves that had candy corn in them as finger nails and popcorn stuffed in the rest. That lady would probably be in jail today for handing out homemade goodies to kids in a non-koscher kitchen - the nerve of her to take her sweet time and make gifts for children by hand. She probably had arthritis and was literally working herself to the bone for all of us back then. And the lady that handed out raisins would probably wake up to her house having been egged if that happened today. I don't even want to know what would befall the house that always had apples. The year that house handed out apples, the word spread faster than mono in a college dorm and before I even got to the top of the hill I knew not to go there.

But with all of that, I don't remember any real trauma from Halloween. In college, I thought Halloween was amazing. I traded in candy for beer and the costumes just got crazier. My favorite to this day was probably my Foxy Cleopatra costume. Sadly, I don't have a picture of this situation. Why did I love it, because I love a great wig. I will find any reason possible to incorporate a wig into a party. My bachelorette party - check, Halloween - check, spying on cute guys with my best friend from our car - meh, maybe. I digress, in college Halloween was one big party and I absolutely loved it. I didn't have to hand out candy to kids, it was one big drunk or treat and I was ALL in! I love a party!

So now that I have kids, I think I have become more of a Grinch of Halloween than I ever expected. I LOVE dressing my kids up in their costumes and snapping pics (they have a shared love of wigs) and making super cute Halloween inspired food for guests, but other than that I am just kind of meh about the whole thing. Why? There are a few reasons why. First, when I moved to St. Louis I had never heard of making kids tell jokes in order to get their candy, but its a thing here, a crazy, stupid, mind-numbing, tortuous thing. It sounds good in theory, but I can only listen to so many 6 year old jokes that are not funny, don't make sense, or they just forget them. How am I supposed to keep a smile on my face and pretend I am enjoying it? I quit, I don't like it, I will give candy to kids to NOT tell me a joke. I hate fake smiling, it takes me back to sorority days during rush where you have to talk to girl after girl and keep this awful smile on your face the whole time and by the end of the day your mouth is literally twitching from it all and you don't even remember what just happened, it's a whirlwind.

Second, there are the kids costumes, most of the time I have no idea what these kids are supposed to be. When I do know, they have no idea who they are. Last year a girl came up in her costume from the Wizard of Oz and I said "well hello there Dorothy, do you have a joke?" To which she replied "why does everyone keep calling me that.That's not my name." I said "go ask your mom, obviously she picked out your costume", threw some candy at her and shooed her off my porch.

Then, straight out of the 80's, up to my door came the queen of pop. I played it cool of course and said "who are you supposed to be?" "I'm Madonna", she replied. I knew it was Madonna, I am a huge fan of her work and would recognize her anywhere. I was so excited I could barely contain myself, but I got it together and said "so what's your favorite Madonna song?" I just knew I was gonna get a Material Girl or Papa Don't Preach Out of Her or maybe she'd throw me a curve ball and say La Isla Bonita or even better break out into Express Yourself right here on my doorstep. It would be epic. I waited on pins and needles as she said "I don't know any of her songs, my mom dressed me up and told me to say that's who I am." WTF??? Are you kidding me? You can't dress up as the Queen of Pop and not know a song, any song. I don't like to call moms out, but that is a huge mom fail. Please at least play her a song, I don't expect you to teach her all the words to Like a Virgin just yet, but something, anything. Throw me a bone here parents. I gave her two pieces of candy and disappointingly shooed her off my step. I was ready to throw in the towel and call it a night right then and there.

Third, it's usually a late night and my kids are off school the day after Halloween. This means I cannot fully commit to my Halloween party or my party punch because waking up with kids is absolutely no fun if you drink all night. Also, parenting on little to no sleep from staying up for a party isn't when my shining moments as a parent occur. And of course, I have to take a day off work to watch my kids instead of using my vacation days to I don't know, relax or something.

But it's not all bad I guess. I do get to rummage through the candy first and pick out any of my favorites and claim I have to try them first cause I am the adult. Duh.

I suck it up every year and do it. After all, my kids love it and I can just sit there the whole time reminiscing of the days long gone when I too enjoyed Halloween. Those were the good old days I remind myself. When they get a little older maybe I can enjoy it a little more. For now, it's not about me at all, just them. But in the meantime, i'm going to start stuffing some plastic gloves just for fun, in my wig and bathrobe on the front porch. Maybe I'll be the crazy lady on the block and they'll all be scared of me soon enough.