My New Roommate

About a year and a half ago we decided it was a good idea to get a new roommate. We took the plunge and after about nine months we had the perfect one. It took a few months after getting to know each other to really appreciate her qualities. She was a great sleeper, she napped a lot, but so does my husband so I figured it was all normal. One of the chillest people I have ever met, very go with the flow. I like to think of my self as more go with the flow and less left eye-twitching high-strung mess (obviously I am the latter). She absolutely loves my jokes, even the ones I don't really think are funny. Anytime I walk into a room she makes me feel like the most important person there. I've never gotten a negative review on my cooking, she just eats it up. Obviously she is smart, bilingual even. She knows some English and sign language. Whenever she's eating and needs seconds she signs and says more at the same time. I think this is because when I am in the kitchen with the overhead exhaust on it is really loud, so she signs to make sure I get the message. It's very thoughtful and keeps me from yelling across the room.

So that's why what happened last night completely took me off guard. I never saw it coming. There she was enjoying her nighttime bath when she just upped and pooped in MY tub. She pretended not to notice, but that look of relief in her eyes told me she knew what just happened. Was it my fault? Had I made her life too easy? I wanted her to relax so I added that nighttime lavender to her water, but I didn't want her that relaxed. So relaxed that she went numero dos all up in MY tub. WTF??? You don't go into peoples homes and poop in there tub/or shower/ or anywhere other than a toilet. Who does she think she is? Then, after she got out she was all chill like, what's the big deal? She went to her room, got her PJ's on and literally passed right out. Well, not before she had the balls to turn on the sound machine so that I didn't disturb her while I was bleaching down the tub cleaning up HER mess.

Post bathroom cleaning I sat down and had to really reevaluate what was going on here. Maybe the roommate I thought was so perfect, actually wasn't. What if I had built up this person and was only seeing what I wanted to be there? Had I been duped?

The longer I thought about it the more I realized there were some obvious signs that I may have ignored. Her English isn't as great as I may have thought. She often grunts at me or just raises her hands if she wants me to pick her up. And apparently just raising your hands isn't actually being bilingual. Grunting at people is absolutely not a form of language unless you are a caveman and it's not socially acceptable to just grunt at people. I don't even know if she really likes my cooking, all that food I clean up off the floor may actually be her way of saying yuck, but I was happy with a clean plate. She's getting a little possessive of everything in my house. She just takes things and yells "MINE" before darting off with it. Sorry shorty, those heels aren't yours and I worked for that money in that wallet. All that sleeping she does deprives me of a roommate I can stay up with, have a late night cocktail and dish over the day.

Did I mention her feet stink? I don't mean kind of, I mean somebody dropped a deadfish in your car in the middle of summer with the windows up without you knowing. That smacks you in the face stink.

All I am saying is, you just never know what you might get with a roommate and it's all rosey til they go and dump in your tub. That's a situation you just can't undo or unsee. I don't even want to get in my tub again. For now I will let her sleep peacefully with her sound machine and I'll try to fog my memory over with a nice vodka soda. Cheers to all and happy roommate hunting! May your next roommate be as unpredictable as mine.